someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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