I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
