New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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