Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize