omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
