Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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