I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
