I just threw up on my dentist
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
