you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
They took my balls.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
