Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
