Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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