at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
