Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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