You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
