lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
