I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
