Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Please don't give away my fajitas
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