My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I need mimosas to revive my soul
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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