yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
