That's when you crack a 10am beer
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
