tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
