I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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