I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
