even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love you.
Bad choice
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize