he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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