so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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