Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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