I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
