I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
