Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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