the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
