i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
