My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
