She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
