well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
