remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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