best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
