Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize