I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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