i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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