we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
