I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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