please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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