No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
