You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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