Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think your dad took our porno
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
