sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
