the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
