I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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