i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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