I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
