At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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