her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
