You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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