turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
