Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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