This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
