I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
