dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
