she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I wear drunk well.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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