i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
