Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
