Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
