I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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